Losing my kitty?

Old post...from another blog site...

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I don't know what to do. I've been doing some research online, and Willie might have Chronic Renal Failure. She seems to have the symptoms of either that or diabetes. Whatever it is, I can't afford to treat either condition. I also don't know if I want to let nature take its course or have her euthanized. I've been reading online that a natural death can be peaceful...but it can also be very traumatic and painful for the animal. I don't know if I want to let her go through that if it is. But at the same time, I don't know if I can afford to have her euthanized. I also have to live with the fact that I should have taken her to the vet a long time ago...but I didn't recognize/know the symptoms. I just thought she was getting old (which basically she is...but it could have been treated).

If I choose to let her go naturally, I take the chance that she's going to suffer...and it also means that I will find her one morning, or one evening after work and have to deal with it while trying to explain to Jason what happened.

If I choose to take her to the vet/humane society and have her put down, then I have to live with the fact that I chose to end her life before God chose to take her. But at the same time, she would just go peacefully to sleep. Then I have to explain to Jason where she went and why...how do you explain to a very inquisitive 4 year old how/why you let someone kill his pet???

Oh crap. I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do. I just looked over at her while on the phone with Rick and I thought she had stopped breathing. I had to go over and touch her to make sure.

I am very quickly losing it. My mom tries to help...she's sympathetic...but at the same time she's not as attached to Willie as I am, and only sees that it will be one less cat to clean up after. Part of me is angry at her for being so callous...but the logical part of my brain knows she's right.

Rick is trying to help...but he just ends up making it worse...and our money troubles don't help right now.

Okay...that's it. I need to get away from the computer, because it's in the same room as the cats and I keep looking over at her as if I'm waiting for something to happen. I can't take it anymore.